OMG

How many times can my husband say OH MY GOD in a 10 minute period? Turn on Toddlers and Tiaras for him and find out.

If you are not familiar with Toddlers and Tiaras, it's a show about crazy mothers who put their daughters into beauty pageants when they are like 18 months old. Why he turned this on and started watching this, I have no idea? I've never watched the show because it's borderline infuriating. Maybe that's the joy in it??

Right now, he's just sitting on the couch screaming, "They are spray tanning their daughter, Oh My God!" It's so funny, and Luke's Southern accent impression of the people is priceless. Totally worth the price of admission!

Teething BLEEP!

Hailey: OOOOO....You said a bad word!

Mommy: I most certainly did not say a bad word, but I thought a bad word...a very bad word. I'm thinking bad words because your sister is making me crazy.

Hailey: Josie is making me crazy. Daddy is making me crazy. Are you making me crazy, Mommy?

Mommy: Ugh. I just can't win with you little people.

This fictitious conversation is brought to you today by sleep deprivation, which is brought to you by ... you guessed it... a teething 6 month old. Thanks for playing.

Greetings

Because they were still recovering from the stomach flu, Luke and Hailey stayed home from school/work yesterday. This is what greeted me when Sophia and I walked in the door:

Hailey: "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Daddy says that Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are sisters."

Awesome!

Weekend Quiz

What did the Hamilton Family do this weekend?
A. Enjoyed a playdate with friends
B. Suffered through the stomach flu
C. Spread the stomach flu to all our friends
D. All of the above
Answer: D


How many members of the Hamilton Family suffered from the stomach flu?
Answer: 3 out of 4 (Sophia we think is immune due to Mommy antibodies)


How many other families did we infect with the stomach flu?
Answer: So far 1 but could be more.

Who was patient zero?
Answer: Mommy (and she is truly sorry for all of the pain and suffering she caused)


What is the most exciting news from the weekend?
Answer: Sophia cut her first tooth, which unfortunately made her very very cranky as well.

POOP!

Ok. It's been a long time since I've written about my children's bodily functions. So, can I just take a moment to say...POOP!!! What is with Sophia's POOP? It has to be in capital letters because that's what it is...POOP! Seriously, why do we bother to put on diapers? It's almost like we put on the diaper as a suggestion of a place where she might like to POOP, but she always decides not to POOP in the diaper, but rather in some other location, like up her back, out the side, down her front. Pretty much anywhere except in the diaper. On Thursday, I got a call from school saying that she had POOPed through two outfits, and asking if I thought she might be sick. I was all like "duh...call me when she doesn't POOP through an outfit and then I'll rush her to the doctor." I mean really, it's an everyday occurence. Everyday! POOP!

Hailey Feeds Sophia = Disaster

Hailey Feeds Sophia from luke hamilton on Vimeo.

Birds, Bees, and Seeds

Tonight Hailey helped me clean the seeds out of a bunch of peppers that we picked in the garden (yes, the rain had some positives). As she was cleaning out the seeds, I explained to her all about how if we put the seeds in the ground, they would grow more pepper plants. Then, we would have more peppers, then more pepper plants. And, that is how pepper plants have existed for thousands of years. Biology lesson 101. Go, Mommy! I was so proud of myself, and the "teachable moment" that I had just grabbed and hit right out of the park.

Here's the best part. After I finished with this elaborate explanation, I asked Hailey, "what happens if we put the seeds in the ground, Hailey?" She casually responded, "They get dirty." So much for teachable toddlers. Maybe next time.

Tattle

Untitled from luke hamilton on Vimeo.

I spoke with Hailey's teacher the other day, and she happened to drop this little line... "Hailey is adjusting very well to the new classroom. In fact, she often recites the rules of the classroom back to the other children."

What?!?!? Is that or is that not the nicest way of telling a Mom that their kid is the tattle teller of the group? I mean I wouldn't have even guessed that she was trying to tell me that Hailey was a tattle teller if I hadn't just heard her tattle on herself. Yes, she tattles on herself and her sister and the dog and also the sun and any other inanimate object that happens to be around. Ouch, the chair just hurt my toe. Now, reread that last line in a whiney voice for the full effect. Be sure it takes you at least 5 seconds to get out all six words so that you really understand the extent of the tattle.

Her favorite thing to tattle on is bad words. Now, you don't actually have to say a bad word in order to get the bad word label thrown at you. You could say "there's a tree," and from the backseat, you would hear "Ooo, you said a bad word." I captured it on video because it sounds like a cartoon character is saying it. It's ridiculous, and you don't want to laugh at her because you certainly don't want to encourage her. But, honestly, can you imagine hearing that on a daily basis.

I just don't know where this tattling comes from. Ugh, Josie's knocking stuff over.

40 Days

It's been raining for 40 days and 40 nights. Ok. Maybe not exactly that long, but close enough. Our roof is leaking, our roads are flooded, our children are stir crazy, and our animals are waiting for us to build an arc. Remember last year when we were in a severe drought and couldn't water our lawns or give our kids baths? Well, Mother Nature has an interesting sense of humor because we are drowning. DROWNING!!!!!

Halloween

Guess what Hailey wants to be for Halloween?



No really, take a guess.



Got it in your head? Are you sure?



Did you guess a princess??? Don't lie. You know you did.

WRONG WRONG WRONG

Spiderman. She wants to be Spiderman. No way you guessed that. Liars.

Can I Get Some Equality, Please

Here are pictures of two products that I use every day. The first is my breast pump. Well, not my actual breast pump, but one that is newer and nicer than mine. The second is my iPhone. Now, let me remind you that I use both products multiple times every single day.

The iPhone can perform a number of amazing tasks. It takes pictures, emails people, makes phone calls, surfs the internet and much much more. Yet, even though it does all of these amazing things, it fits in the palm of my hand and weighs just a few ounces.

The breast pump, on the other hand, has to do one thing and one thing only - suck in air. That's it - one damn thing! It weighs 7 lbs and is about the size of a tissue box (not counting the oh so stylish bag it comes in).

Why or why can no one come up with a smaller, more efficient pump? Seriously, how long have women needed these things, and this is the best we can do???

If I ever make it to Apple headquarters, you'll find me at Steve Job's door... knock, knock, knock..."Excuse me Mr. Jobs, but I think you've missed the boat with the iPhone. What we really need are iPhone size breast pumps. Can you get on that, please?"

I am NOT a Pessimist

I am not a pessimist. I'm just from Buffalo. And when you are from Buffalo, you have to be a bit skeptical about your sports teams. You have to be, let's say, reserved in your enthusiasm because our teams lose. But they don't just lose like normal teams. No, they lose in the most heartbreaking way possible (i.e. wide right, goal through the side of the net, fumble with 2 minutes left). You see, they have to lose in dramatic fashion because deep down Buffalonians don't believe anymore. So, they have to play games so close and tight that we almost start to believe. We believe just for a minute. We believe because our teams put themselves into situations where any normal team (any other team) would win.

Take tonight's game, for example, with 2:00 minutes left and a 5 point lead over arguably the best team in football. Yeah, there's a glimmer of hope there. Then, in the most dramatically ridiculous fashion, they always make one (or two or three) major mistakes and thereby ruin it for all of us. In this case, a fumble on a kick return that should never have been taken out of the end zone. And there you go again, just flush those wins right down the toilet.

If you think that there is any other city in the country (even the world) that can rival Buffalo in heartbreaking losses, I challenge you. Bring it. Our city has never won a major sports title (unless you count lacrosse and who counts lacrosse?) Our city lost 4, count them 4, Superbowls. We lost the Stanley Cup because of a goal that went through the side of the net. We are cursed.

So, you see, I'm not a pessimist at all. Nope. I'm actually optimistic. Optimistic that my Buffalo teams will always find a way to lose.

And So It Begins...

Hailey and Daddy are sitting on the couch watching Star Wars (the first Star Wars not the fake first that came after the real first...if you know what I mean). Luke is trying to explain to me that he saw Star Wars in the theater at Hailey's exact age almost to the day. She's 3!!!! Must we start this already?

Of course, he totally bribed her into watching it by telling her that there was a Princess involved. Somehow I don't think that Princess Leah was exactly what she had in mind. Poor little Hailey had no idea what she was in for.

Regardless, the commentary coming from the couch is hysterical:

Hailey: Who's that?

Daddy: That's R2D2. He's a robot.

Hailey: What's that?

Daddy: That's a storm trooper

Hailey: They ride dinosaurs?!?!

Daddy: Sometimes they do

Mommy: Why does Luke Skywalker whine through the whole movie? This is teaching bad lessons.

Daddy: (Evil look...bad language implied)

"My Mom Is Really Great"

Hailey and Sophia's school was having a Read-a-Thon today. They had volunteers come in to read to the classrooms. Since I get volunteer hours off at work, I decided to go in to read some stories. I read to Hailey's class first, and as I was leaving, I heard her say to her friends "My Mom is really great because...." It was the best! Do you think I could record that and play it back to her in 10-12 years?

Oh Yes We Did!

It will probably come as no surprise to you that my husband is a little bit of a Geek. He's kind of on the low end of the Geek spectrum, but he qualifies for many reasons. I won't run through them here because most of you know him enough to not question me on this one.

So, I've accepted his geekiness and love him even more for it. However, he's never asked me to really join his Geek world...until now. And, boy did I jump in with both feet (feet in sneakers, not in elf shoes). How did I jump in? I attended Dragon Con.

What the bleep is Dragon Con, you ask. Well, it's a convention of people who dress up in costumes of various fictional characters and then go to seminars and stuff. Ok, you know what?, I don't really know what in god's name it is. I went to the stupid parade to see a bunch of people dressed up in weirdo costumes, ok? That's all. I'm not a Geek. I might be teetering on the edge of geekdom, but I've got a big toe in the real world still.

I'll admit (only because you can see in the pictures) that I let Hailey dress up in her Tinkerbell costume for the parade. That may or may not have crossed the line from giggling spectator to semi-willing participant, but we didn't march. No, just sat back and gawked. Well, gawked and played Dragon Con bingo. It was a good time, and we've got some seriously hysterical pictures. You can see them on Flickr along with my comments which I tried to make entertaining because otherwise you're just looking at a bunch of strangers dressed up in bizarro costumes and who would want to do that?

Did I Mention?

I know that I’ve already given you visual evidence that Sophia can crawl, but let me tell you something…SOPHIA CAN CRAWL!!!!! Maybe you understand how a mobile infant changes your life forever, but I’m sure that you don’t.

I’m sure that you don’t know that every time I leave her on the floor now, I have to look around the room for potential choking hazards (and Hailey’s toys provide many). I’m sure that you don’t realize that she doesn’t really want to be held as much because she’s got too many other important places that she needs to be on the floor. I’m sure that it never dawned on you that she would make a b-line for the fireplace or steps or any other inherently dangerous place whenever you put her down. Ugh.

When did Hailey crawl? Certainly not at 5 months. This is ridiculous! How do I make it stop? I guess we’re back to child proofing AGAIN!

The Saga Continues

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to my husband talk. I'm hearing blah blah blah money blah blah blah new speakers blah blah touch screen panel blah blah. So, when I thought I was in this moving the tv thing for a few hundred bucks, now we're pushing thousands of bucks. I repeat... THOUSANDS.

Do What Works

Hailey HATES having her hair combed. Have you seen some of the pictures of her hair in the morning? It's the "finger meet light socket" look so you can imagine why she hates me dousing it in conditioning spray and tearing a comb through it.

Well, one day I just couldn't take the whining and crying that accompanies the combing. So, in a stroke of pure geniusness (if I do say so myself), I invented characters - the Evil Snarl Monster and Princess Pink Comb. Yes, there are ridiculous voices that accompany these characters. I think Luke probably thought that I had lost my mind when I started doing these voices, but she is completely mesmerized. There is no longer any more crying or whining because she is totally focused on the next installment of the story. So freakin' genius.

Freedom!

Sophia Crawls from luke hamilton on Vimeo.

Sophia is crawling. May the force be with us.

Do You Smell That?

As I was strapping Sophia into the car this morning, I smelled something a little funky. I looked down and her entire front was covered with poop. Now that she's spending so much time crawling around the floor (video coming soon), she can actually explode out the back OR the front. Not realizing this at first, I didn't really notice the stain or the smell until it was too late. I don't think that it actually got on my clothes when I carried her, but I still feel like I can smell it. It's a phantom smell - a lingering gift from my youngest child that will last the whole day through.